So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
