After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
