I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
