A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
