I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
