I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
