I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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