Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
