that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
