I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
