I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
