Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
