I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
