I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
