The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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