she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
