i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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