seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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