yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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