I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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