I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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