I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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