New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
