Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
