make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Holy shit dude........stairs
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
