There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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