I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
