ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
