saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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