just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
