Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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