So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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