having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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