Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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