I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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