Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
