so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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