Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
