I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
