I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
