i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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