I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
