if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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