y did u give ur computer a hand job?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
