i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
