Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I can't put those talents on a resume
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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