I accidentally had phone sex last night
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
