She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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