"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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