i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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